The Dark Knight Rises: why Bruce Wayne is a Terrible Person

So for starters, I just want to say that over all, in terms of performers, dialogue, story and what not, the movie was awesome– great Drama, the quentisential Heroes Journey. Chris Nolan has a distinct stylistic palate which can be felt in all of his films, and his themes are brainy enough to enjoy a few rounds of Mental Masterbation. Anne Hathaway gets my vote for sexy bad bitch of the year, and Bane with his anti-establishment rhetoric was the kind of psycho-pathic menace I wanted to see win at times. His anti-Wall Street/1% assult on Gotham has a real sick sense of Justice to it, and his Judgement of Bruce Wayne, painting him as a betrayor of the League of Shadows, and a Fraud, guilty of duping the fair citizens of Gotham into believing in the cherade of a “Noble” Harvy Dent, is also equally Valid. Bruce Wayne, however, is a sad sack, from beginning to end. After lying to his community as to the true nature of Harvey Dent, he holds up in his house, throwing parties to reinforce his lie to the public while mourning the loss of a woman, and disregarding his responsibilities to his Company and Charitable foundations. Really Bruce? is this the guy you’re clevery crafted drama is urging me to root far, Nolan? Yeah, sure a few months of sulking and depression are understandable, but 8 years? A REAL hero is One who Overcomes heart-ache, and calamity, and gets things done. Instead, his orphan brothers are literly dying in the gutter, as he’s apparently renegged on his word in order to shut himself away. Of course, as the Drama unfolds, we find that he gets back on the horse, helps the Orphans, hooks up with his leading ladies and what not, but COME ON! I just get the Feeling that Bruce Wayne folds faster the a house of cards in a hurricane, so HOW am I suppose to believe that, after he’s spent years bitching out, he suddenly cares enough about Gotham to sum up the will power to save the day in the nick of time, and even if he does WHO CARES! The Folks of Gotham are so eager to follow the wishes of tyrants and bow down before false idols, that I just really couldn’t find the sympathy for them. I just kept thinking, “I’m sure there were a few barve souls who risked their neck and made it out alive, instead of wishing for the PEOPLE WHO GOT THEM INTO THIS MESS to begin with to show up to save the day.” Cuz as we all know, Bruce Wayne, in his Selfish quest for Vengance was the one who joined the League of Shadows, and Killed Ras ‘Al Goul. I mean was the whole Drama really  neccessary to clean up his city and make it a better place? NO!!! Ras himself said in “Batman Begins” that his former plans to ruin Gotham were foiled by good business men, and upright citizens like, Bruce’s Father, Tom Wayne. So all the Trouble was in fact BRUCE’S FAULT for persueing vengance, and not standing up and taking his place within the community and using his vast resources as a billionaire to DO SOMETHING GOOD! If he REALLY wanted to honor the death of his parents he would of tried his best to be as great of a community leader as his father was, and maybe beefed up Gotham’s police or taught everone Karate, or started an Ex-Con rehab plan or something. instead its too little too late it seems, and one man with the power to make a difference costs the lives of THOUSANDS of his community members, by IGNORING the TRUE WAY, and persuing VENGANCE!!!, instead of honest change.

“Nothing is more costly, nothing is more sterile, than vengeance.”
–Winston ChurchHill

Adventures in BackGround pt. 3

•  more Blog posts Originally on Myspace chronicling my Adventures in Background Acting.

  Play me as Expendable

  6/12/09
  So I got this gig for 4 nights  as an extra, playing a soldier in Sylvester Stallone’s new Action Extravaganza, “The Expendables” starring Sly Stallone, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Eric Roberts, “The (so-called) Natural” Randy Couture, and Stone Cold Steve Austin. All I can say is, it was a battle indeed.

  
  

  Night 1.

  Due to a brain Fart, I searched the wrong address; I looked up Edward Street, instead of Edward AVENUE, and ended up on the wrong side of town instead of the sound stage in Harrahan. SO i get there late, which doesn’t matter because there’s like a hundred dudes there anyway. Finally I get my costume, eat some food, and hang around until I hear some noise. So I left holding to investigate, and found the action behind these large black curtains. I peaked inside, and saw Stallone, and was like “whoa, its that guy!”. So I walked the circle around the perimeter, until I spot a crack in the curtain behind  my usual target, Video village, and I slip through to watch what was going on. 

  Sly and Jet Li were in this truck in front of a blue screen acting like they were being chased or some crap.

     Sly was all like “get out of the truck!” 

     And Jet says, “why?”

     and Sly replies, “cause you’re expendable, Asshole!”

  Then Jet did as directed. 

   After a few takes, Stallone sits in the directors chair and watches the play back, stretches out, looks around and says “I’m feeling crowded in here,” before going back to work. 

  the next thing I know, a PA walks up to question me and says “a higher up wants you to go back to holding so you don’t inspire other extras to hang out and watch video.” and of course, not wanting to cause any trouble I do as I’m asked. 

  Realizing that this is the first time that this has ever happened to me, I couldn’t help but smile, because apparently the “Higher ups” were afraid of my leadership.

  But for the rest of the night the will to act was gone from me, and I sat in stillness until it was time to go.

  
  

  Night 2.

  Boringness as we go outside onto this set where L’Expendibles run out a tunnel with guns blazing as  bombs go off and 5 guys chase away a 100 man army. As a warrior, I was disappointed that my team would act in such a way, but hey, that’s how the story goes, so they did it. I however ducked behind a barrel, then ninja-rolled behind some sand bags. my warrior ethic and artistic integrity wouldn’t allow me to turn tail and run. there was no way my character would ever give up his position as long as he was alive.

  
  

  Night 3.

  I go to the outside battle set and notice video village is vulnerable, so I hit it up and watched some cool video, but of course they noticed me having fun, and they relocated the set up to  a corner where no one could take their back and steal a peak, and I was again asked to leave the set and go back to holding. I had nothing to do on camera, so I walked the circle and did 100 pushups.

  
  

  Night 4.

  Once again I found an opportunity to leave holding and sneak onto set  and I watched Jason Statham and “The Natural” run around shooting guns and blowing stuff up. While there a pretty woman sat next to me, and we had a pleasant conversation. She made jokes about Stallone, and I couldn’t help but appreciate her “Sly” wit. She was the most beautiful person out there I thought as I was being drawn in by her charm, but before too long the little PA came by and told me that I had to go back to holding, and once again I felt the sting of discrimination and the unfair segregation– I was embarrassed by it all, but still I couldn’t help but laugh at my own self. On my way out I saw Couture at the coffee table and told him he looked great out there.

  
  

  This is my home after all, and I’m obliged to make all guests feel welcome.

• jonah’s Hexagram

   May 15, 2009

  So once again, I book a background gig, this time on “Jonah Hex” starring Josh Brolin as Jonah Hex, and John Malcovich as his nemisis, the rascally Confederate, General Turnbull.

  The location was way deep in South Louisiana, in a place called Bayou Gauche, not to far from where I live. I got into costume, and went on set to find Turnbull’s boat on dry dock.

  I’ve lived on the Bayou (Bayou Lafourche) and been around shipyard’s all my life, so seeing this being put on film felt special. “This is Louisiana!” I thought, “this is the South that I know and Love!” Water everywhere, mosquitos that can carry you away, and humidity so thick that you’re practically swimming on dry land. I looked into the water a spotted a few gar fish and an alligator, and knew that this was the place to be.

  They had extras moving around on this scaffold loading and unloading the boat over and over again, but I wasn’t given anything to do, and I just sat there and watched them all work. this was the bulk of my night, sitting around, quietly out of sight.

  Once while doing nothing in this one spot, I spotted Jonah Hex (Brolin) sneaking around, intent on ruining his adversary’s fun, and it got me thinking, why not do the same? So after Lunch, before the next scene, Turnbull’s speech on destroying the yankee scum and what not, I casually walked on the ship and sat down in the best spot I could find. this was cool for the first 15 minutes or so, but to my surprise, I learned that the only guys who were supposed to be there were stunt guys who were going be shooting guns into the air. The Stunt coordinator asked me my name and how I got there, and I went into stupid mode, and was like “uuhhh, I’m just here an stuff, derrr.” Then one of the AD’s was all like “who said you could come up here?” and I was all, “uhhh, I fallowed the crowd, and here I am, derrr.”

  and so he told me that the extras had been released for the day, and he called the PA in charge of the background down to escort me back to base.

  the next day was another day of nothing. they had like 30 extras there just to be there for no reason while they shot Turnbull’s boat and Jonah Hex sneaking around.

  I couldn’t stand being in holding, so when the coast was clear, I escaped and went down to set. I took a position behind the video monitors and watched the play back, when all of a sudden a PA was like, “Hey, can you sit closer to the ship they need this space free for the shot”. so I took a seat on a pile of rope next to the big chairs that were set aside for the important people, and watched from there when all of a sudden Malcovich show’s up. I look him in the eye and say “howdy.” an he gives me this “who the hell is this guy and what the fuck is he up to” look an says, “hello.” then he sits and starts speaking to a producer in a pleasant, soft spoken voice about his children and his tax troubles with the French. So I just gaze out at the water being a fly on the wall when I hear another sound behind me, and its Brolin in full jonah Hex makeup. He takes his seat as Malcovich hands him a cigerette and lights it for him, and they talk about their kids and bullshit about this and that. I remain quiet until a producer comes by and starts talking how he’s trying to get Josh Homme to do some music work for this thing, and Malcovich and some others were like “who’s that?”, and the producer says “he does Queens of the Stone Age, and Eagles of Death Metal, and some other stuff.” but no one knew shit. Then I was like, “So you’re saying The Guy from Queens of the Stone Age is gonna do some music for this thing?” and he’s like “yeah”, and I’m like” that kicks ass, that guys awesome!” and he got excited and said,” see, that’s what I’m talking about!”

  and I watched more video, and left when I got tired.

• The wrong side of town is still My town.

  May 9, 2009So I had this gig as a stand-in for 5 nights  on an action flick called “the Wrong Side of Town” starring WWE super-stars Rob Van Dam, and Batisita, and co starring Ja Rule.

  the first day I showed up a little late, because Baton Rouge traffic was more that I expected, and the First assistant director, a guy named james, was less than happy with that. He put me to work right away standing around with a chain saw. then he set this girl up about 50 ft away and told me to look at her, so I did. She had a pretty face, beautiful bright eyes and a smokin’ hot body. I let myself look at her wantonly, and began to feel the blood bubble up in my pants. She had the gaze of a bad girl–unruly and unaware of her deeper femininity–and she looked back at me with a gleam of icky disinterest:)

  I stood there until Rob Van Dam showed up to take his place, and moved to the outside of everything and observed the modest  scale of the project.

  The director was this buff badass named Dave Defalco who orchestrated the project with the ease of a man who knew to let the thing run itself. some of the parts of his machine were untested and slightly undisciplined, and I knew I fit right in.

  I watched RVD’s performance through out the day, he’s not the best, but the best at what he does, and over all he was entertaining. Rob was energetic and animated, like the classic looney-toons. a style the critics of the world hardly appreciate anymore, because they take themselves far too seriously. even when it was bad, it was good, like all my favorite punk rock bands.

  for the next few days I just watched the thing go down, and I got to know my friend, the Female stand in. I got her to tell me about herself, and she told me about a dream of her Grandmother, crying for help–the classic case of a powerful inherited inner being, suffering in its present condition, if only she had the will to help herself. So like all tasty prey, she brought out the predators. The film’s action choreographer, was a wolf and a rival. I wasn’t out there to be an asshole, so I tried to play friendly. He said he was a well trained martial artist, and I asked if he would  cross hands with me, but he tried to act like he was too cool to play with a nerd like me. this of course demonstrated his total lack of a warrior’s humility. so I got the hell out of there, and let the fuckers do their thing. unwilling to fall victim to the group mind, I spent most of my time on the outside, pretending to be invisible.

  a couple of days into it Batista showed up. He was ridiculously huge, and I was surprised at his professionalism,and how good of an actor he was. In him  I saw  a hardened introvert who kicks ass, not for superficial vanity’s sake, but because he has to to survive. the guy definitely  has a future in film playing menacing badasses. no doubt that in the world of action, this guy is gonna be on the top of the list if the script calls for an imposing and intelligent monster. That day was at a bar, which was dressed up as a strip club. Extras were in short supply, so james threw me in there. I was kinda pissed, because this wasn’t my scene, but he made it all better, by putting a pro stripper in my lap, and told me to put my arm around her. I sure as hell wasn’t about to disobey, and when he called action I took the time to have a relaxing cuddle with a girl who I knew needed it, because even when they moved her later, she returned to my side.

  the fallowing evening, was the fight Scene between RVD, Batista, and a group of thugs. I have to give the fight choreographer, some credit, he has a lot of smooth moves, and a deep bag full of kung fu tricks, and the whole thing went down swimmingly. The stunt fighters practiced for a few hours, and then Rob Van Dam showed up, and learned all the moves in like a minute, and even threw in a few moves of his own. the gang and rob tussled until Batista showed up with guns blazin’!

  I watched with my sexy second team all-star, and another actress from the sidelines until my rival came around and began questioning my ninja cred. in front of the ladies. I replied that he must be insecure with his own ninjahood if he felt he had to go out of his way to challenge mine, and he quickly shut the fuck up.

  On the last day, the scenes was all cars and bikes, and driving, and mexicans, so we had plenty of time for non-sense, and my rivalry with the choreographer came to a head, when he eventually challenged me to a friendly dual, which I was more than willing to accept.

  he started with a crazy display of Capoeira, flips and kicks everywhere, and I was like, “Oh shit!” and quickly back peddled. when he was done being cool, we had our exchange. He scored with a few kicks, but when he  closed the distance, I scored with my hands. I landed a sweet open hand shot right across the side of his face, and a few beats later he ducked under a left, and left his neck out, and  I moved forward and caught him in a guillotine choke.  I wasn’t gonna execute him, or go to the ground(we were at work for crying out loud), so I let him out. After that, he stayed out of my zone, and kept me back with kicks– nigga was quick. Because, it was all light sparring, the kicks really didn’t affect me as they would have for real, and I just kept pushing forward until he decided to run away. Like for real, he started running, and I ran right  after him chasing him round for a few minutes, until we decided to end it. After that he asked me to show him my Wu tang style, and he patiently listened through my demonstration, and was cool from then on.

  the night ended with a shot of RVD and his neighbor surrounded by a gang of thugs, and I was like,”Damn Rob, they got you surrounded, how you gonna get out of this one?”

  And he looked at me with a smile and said,”Never bet against me.”
• 3 Dead Days of Nite
  
   Apr 23, 2009So I got this gig for three days on “Dead of Night”, starring Brandon Routh (Superman), and Taye Diggs (Taye Diggs).day 1.The first day was a night shoot at this Hotel that was posing for a Vampire night club. I just stood around in a line all night. Once, i left holding and wandered the hotel, I found a bar with a piano player, and had a drink, and listened to the music, until a friend of mine let me know it was time to go back out. At lunch I spotted Clark Kent and his side kick Jimmy Olson, and I took the opportunity to welcome them, and wished them a pleasant stay.

  day 2.

  The second day the clubs interior scenes were shot at the Old Sanger Theatre in New Orleans. I got there expecting to be a club goer, but was asked to be a Bouncer instead. I accepted the offer and put on an all black suit. When we got into the Club, I found a nice spot to stand in, and tried to look ominous.

  I decided to play “Who am I and what am I doing here?”:

  I’m “The King of All Shaman-Ninjas of the 21st Century“, and I’m working as a Bouncer at an undead night club (how else am I gonna  pay the bills with my skill set?)

  The next thing I know Superman(Brandon Routh as Dylan Dog) walks into the bar looking for trouble, and I have to take him to the boss.

  the Senior Bouncer took the Lead, and I flanked our boy.

  My Partner says, “boss wants to see you, come with us or we squash your nuts”

  Dog says, “Damn,and I thought I was gonna get lucky tonight.”

  then he turns to look at me, and I quietly Hold the Ground and say with only my eyes and my body, “enough with the funny business jackass, get moving.”

  Now this my friends was no easy task, Brandon Routh is pushing 6′ 4″ and is easily 225 lbs. , so yeah he’s a big kid, but luckily Superman is weak against sorcery (a Shaman-ninja specialty), and he got with the program.

  and so we bring him to the Boss, played by Taye Diggs.

  Superman says,” I know your behind this!”

  Tays Diggs replies, “ain’t got nuttin on me, white boy.”

  and I just stand around looking pissed the whole time until they tell me to go home.

  day 3.

  because I was made a bouncer the previous day, there was no way I was gonna be a club goer, problem was, they already had bouncers on the roll, so I didn’t have much to do but hang in holding. late in the day, I went down to set to play, and see what was happening. when I got there Taye Diggs was beating some guys ass. so I just hung out and chilled. Later when I went to watch the video monitor, I found the Boss, Taye Diggs there watching as two Bouncer’s got their asses kicked.

  so I turn to Taye Diggs and say,” Looks like trouble Boss, you may have to go out there and settle this, I’d do it myself but I hurt my big toe this morning, and I kinda need to stay off it.”

  He laughed at me, then he time traveled and kicked the guy’s ass.

  then I was told  I could leave early.

  but before doing so, the Director shook my hand and asked me how I was doing. I said, “fine”, and I let him know that he was doing a great job.

  good times.

  DN

• Nov 19, 2008
  

  Stand-in: The Way.

   So I got this gig as a “Utility” Stand-in on the feature “My Own Love Song”, starring Forrest Whitaker and Renee Zelwigger, and directed by a Frenchman named Olivier Dahan. That day the shoot was in Thibodaux, at a house just below the Lafourche Crossing. As I got there I wondered if the producers knew we were filming on the site of a historic Civil-War battle ground. I arrived around 3:30 PM and I knew we’d be working into the night. Once on set I was introduced to the rest of the Second Unit (Second Unit is the name given to the stand-in team). There were 2 pretty girls named Celless and Lauren, and a black guy we’ll call C-Dog. Because C-Dog and the girls were standing in for the Principle actors, they went to work right away. I on the other hand was there just in case, so I sat around a lot.It got dark quick so I didn’t get to read much, and because Second Unit needs to be so handy I couldn’t escape very far. So I just found a good position and watched it all go down.
  The first thing I noticed was Olivier. He was short and walked with a silly swagger that accentuated his style. I knew he had to be in charge. then I noticed le Femmes he hired to run the show. Foreign beauties with sexy accents. I watched as the Frenchman directed his crew and made art.I stood quietly, and spoke very little until they finally needed me for something, and I was instructed to sit at a table with the principle actors.
  Renee Zelwigger. was laughing and saying stuff about how she  misses George Carlin and retold his jokes on God and such. After painfully listening to her jabber for a few minutes I spoke up, and somehow had everyone’s attention.
  “You know” I began,”I was listening to an old George Carlin radio interview, and he said his favorite thing in the world was natural disasters and the chaos it creates.”
  Then I looked into all of their eyes and said, “and you know what, I agree, Chaos owns.” I think I blew their minds, then I went on about how George Carlin said its cool to see people freak out about how they have no control over the  enviornment, and it messes all their shit up.
  then I went on.
  “With all the Hurricanes around here, Its cool because you don’t have to go work or  to school and you can have a little vacation and drink beer all day, and in the end it makes things better.”
  and Renee was like ” yeah, I bet its cool when you’re in the crazy wind screaming for your life!”
  then one guy was like, “yeah, and there’s no air condition or electricity.”
  Then I quickly retorted, “Whatever I’m a Badass Indian Warrior, I can take it.”
  and the table burst into laughter.
  After that I had to give up my chair to an actor, and go back to the side lines.

Adventures in BackGround Pt. 2

• So here are a few more Blog posts Originally on Myspace chronicling my Adventures in BackGround Acting.

  • The Business of Love is War 10/10/09

    So I got this gig for like 9 days on an ABC Family Production starring Hilary Duff and Kyle XY (Matt Dallas), and Some other unknown Nerds. I can’t say much about this project except that it was gay and anticlimactic. For days on end I had to endure some hack writing and lame ass dialogue while being trapped in a office with a troop of monkeys in business suits. In the down time I did my best to avoid everyone by reading or playing Pokemon Platinum on my Nintendo DS, but sadly I was stuck with the feeling that I couldn’t get far away enough from these jackasses.

    
    

    The First day there, I scored a sweet featured spot by the sheer luck of being a handsome man. Later in the days an asian kid, who says he doesn’t use Facebook or Myspace because his agent won’t allow it (Bitch), had a lap top withSuper Street Fighter II, and we had a little game going for a second. Most of the guys in the office were pussies and didn’t play because they were afraid to lose, and when I told them so they quit watching and left the room to the Old Schoolers. I can’t say I won every round, but even though I wasn’t the Champ I took my losses in stride and had fun for a second. 

    Once on set I pimped a position at a desk and found that the computer was on, so I went into MS Paint and made a self portrait of myself in a suit with a word bubble that read “I am not a tool, I swear!”. It got the crew’s attention and they laughed at my masterpiece. There’s a pic of me next to it somewhere in my Costume Album.  

    I enjoy it when things like this occur, and I can make the people on set who are actually working smile, because its the faces you’ll never see that make the magic happen.

    
    

    So day by day, When the Director called action I got to see Hilary Duff’s sexy ass getting pimped by the Office fucker, Kyle XY, and all I could do was sit still and try not to bawl out laughing at these hams. 

    
    

    This one time i heard The Duff say, “I have this theory that nobody really likes cantaloupes or honey dew melons, but they consume it cause its there.”

    
    

    And I thought,”How interesting, that’s exactly what I thought about your music!”

    
    

    But I didn’t say anything that cool, and I consider myself a Failure for not making her feel stupid and getting thrown out like a pimp.
  • Oct 28, 2009
    

    Straight to video girl

    So I got this gig on this low budget flick called “Video Girl” directed by a “Black Dude” and starring “some random people”. The call time wasn’t until 10:30 PM, at the Hilton Hotel in Baton Rouge. I got there early, and walked around, ate some pizza, and rested a little before it was time to dress up and sign in. Time crept by while sitting around, so I took the opportunity to quickly hit up the hotel bar for a drink or two to keep warm until they call us to set. As luck would have it I’m chosen along with a Brother and 2 long tall beauties named Olga and Gianna (I’ll call her Gia for short), and directed to a seat at a dinner table behind the principle players. The Director calls action on the rehearsal, and I start pantomiming (an attempt to communicate without speaking) along with Olga and the Brother, but Gia , who is seated to my right, is just sitting there, so after the director calls cut I make a remark to her about it, and she tells me “its only rehearsal and not important,”

     but I say “it what we’re here to do.”

     So when the “Black Dude” calls for reset  I say “I’d like to see us all participate this time”, 

      and Gia says, in the loveliest bitchy tone, “If it’ll make you happy,” 

    and I sigh deeply , and say, “Of course.”

    
    

    So we do this thing.

     While In action, I focus on Olga, who is sitting across from me, and think dirty thoughts about her to silently build up my sexy energy, and every now and then in the breaks, trade a cutting remark with Gia. 

     So we’re at the table for a few hours, and once during a camera reset, I look a Gia, who was playing with her phone as usual, and I just naturally step into the jerk role and state the obvious by saying, “sending someone a message?”

    Well the sparks  flew wjth that one, and she goes into Ultra bitch mode, and Tells me “HOW IS THAT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!”

    and I’m all like “whoa nelly, you could of been a little cooler with that one.”

    and she realized that she flew off the handle a bit and admitted it.

    so I say, “Its O.K. its 5:30 in the morning, and you’re tired, so I’ll forgive you for being a bitch this time.”

    and she comes back with, “I’m a bitch because you were annoying me.”

    and I say, “I’m a clown, its how I do:)”

    so yeah, a bit of tension there.

    
    

    well anyway, because I was in a professional environment, I kept my hands busy playing pool in my pockets, and avoided any serious misdemeanory.

    
    

    D N
  • Oct 17, 2009
    

    The Mechanic’s assistant

    So a casting Director calls me up and asks me if I want to play background in “The Mechanic”, an action movie starring Jason Statham, Ben Foster and Donald Southerland, and I say, “Yes Sir, I would.” so he tells me when and where to be, and I show up ready to do what I do.

     I get there to discover I’m at a bar filled with beautiful people looking cool, and I’m standing next to a guy who’s all pissed off because his wife is a trampy hoe. and She’s Down the Bar getting hit on by Ben Foster ( the Mechanic’s assistant), The Star of the Scene, who plays a young scrappy wanna be assassin ready to fuck a niggas wife and waste’em after.

    SO I just watch it all go down, play my tricks to get noticed, and bask in the radiant heat of all the fine ass in the room, all the while trying to act like I care that this asshole can’t control his wife. eventually my boy, the husband, gets the nerve to walk up and challene the Mechanic’s assistant and fallows him outside to his doom. At this point I’m at a table with two beautiful women, and I’m happy to see my boy take the trouble outside, because no matter what in these situations, the solution is always to kick ass or get fucked up.
  • Oct 14, 2009
    

    “The Big Show” Show

    “The Big Show” Show 

    Starring WWE superstar,

    the Big Show!

    
    

    What can I say about this thing, other than it was all a big fucking show?

    
    

    Day 1

    
    

    For me, The adventure started before the Sun came up. I ate some breakfast, gathered a few things, and got on the road. I was driving on I-10, and soon the traffic got retarded, and was diverted over onto veterans. IT was a pretty major delay, but luckily I left home early. When I got there, I pulled my usual tricks, and put my head down to pass the time. I noticed early on that there were hot chicks everywhere, and enjoyed soaking in the sights.

    
    

    The set was a bar scene. I sat back and watched the Crew work on until The Big Show, and his little Buddy Mark Feuerstein (The Hustler) arrived dressed in matching suits like they were twins or some shit. I was sitting at a table with a girl they set me up with, warming up the chairs for the Stars. As they approached their marks, I sat up and took the girl out to the Dance floor. It was stimulating, yet strangely disappointing. Girls just don’t know how to fallow a man’s lead these days, and dancing is mostly titty waggin’ and booty shakin’– sure it gets your dick hard, but there’s not much communication or cooperation between the man and women, or at least there wasn’t any off that shit between me and my partner.

    Later on after everything go switched around 10 or 15 times, I got set up with a beautiful older woman who was more than happy to play nice and fallow my lead, so I came up with a few steps  resembling a 2-step, and we had a nice time on the floor asthe band pretended to play and The Big show and company made their movie.

    
    

    
    

    Day 2

    
    

    Same as day 1 for the most part. I psychicly stalked all dem hoes, and hung out in The Bar set. I ran into my a pretty little dark skin girl I once spent a morning kissing while on the set of “Revenant”, the failed Indie feature I was miscast and fired from. She said she remembered me, but didn’t remember the smooches. I would of felt like a loser, if I weren’t able to laugh at my own stupid self. she laughed it off along with me and and we had a cordial day. Later they fixed me up with a big booty mama who was looking good in her tight pants and overflowing bosom.  the close proximity to all these females had me exploding in my pants, but I fallowed my Ba Gua Master’s rules (for now), and avoided any serious flirtations. instead I buried my nose in a Game of Tetris like a queery little nerd. 

    Once this Girl, who I seen riding Nick Zano in “The Final Destination” ( whose Final destination was apparently less than satisfying), came and sat next to me, and I couldn’t help but say something, like my balls just pushed the words right out of my mouth. I felt a tension inside of me, but I was able to calm myself down, and operate with out going insane.

    Later I got to see the Lead actress (Melora Hardin… yeah…) rip off her dress, and spin kick a skinny black girl into a blow up pool full of mud. Of course I angled myself to get the best view possible *wink*, and  watched as the Big show played the gentleman, and carried the drunk broad off to safety after she threw her ugly kick and passed out drunk. And so, fallowing the Big show’s example and to my own dismay, I did my best to be a gentleman as well…

Adventures in BackGround

• So here are a few old Blog posts Originally on Myspace chronicling my Adventures in BackGround Acting.

  Misfit to Miley, “So, Undercover?”

  1/10/11

  So I’ve been doing this background thing for a little while now, and I find out the new Miley Cyrus project is in town. Apparently its about a  “street-smart kid” who becomes a secret government Agent and goes to college undercover.   I decide to throw my hat in the ring, and soon casting asks if I’m available, and I say “Yes”. 

  I show up on set, and its balls cold and about to rain. The wind chill is sick, and they’ve got about 100 extras in a tent, which some are scared is gonna get blown apart by the wind. I just chill and read until I’m taken to set, and put into place. The scene was outside in a college quad, and I’m instructed to go down the side walk. Although its a cold, windy, January day, we’re told by an Assistent Director to remove our coats, and pretend its August and 80 degrees. We run trough a practice take a few times and then the Stars are called out to shoot the thing. Young Miley takes her position without removing her coat, and the Director calls Action.

  I look ahead and see that Miley’s coming my way. Her eyes are looking down, her hands buried deep in her pockets, and her body slightly forward. She’s thin, with beautiful hair and lips. I think about bumping into her as she goes by. The wind was blowing and I was unable to catch her scent. We do this a few times and in-between  the third or forth take Miley complains about the weather, even though she’s the only girl in the shot with a coat on, while others are quietly soldiering in shorts and no sleeves.

  They get their shot, and I’m taken back to the holding area to wait to be useful again. It begins to rain, and at one point the wind shakes the walls of the tent so hard that it knocks over one of the mirrors used by the makeup department. I wait there for the better part of the afternoon, until they come for some people to be in a classroom scene. I stand up to get in there, and we’re directed to set while the remainder of the background are released.

  I get to the lecture hall, and props hands me a law book. The actors take position and the scene begins.

  The teacher mentions an article of the Law, and its use, and our class time is then interrupted by Miley, as she rants about some old presidents abuse of the law as if it were the the fault of the written word itself, and not the demented conscious of a power mad tyrant. The teacher retorts with a clever quip and Miley goes into dumb girl mode in an attempt to use humor to make me forget that she just wasted my brain space. Because really, what does one man’s corruption, have to do with me learning the proper function and application of the law? nothing! if anything she should be thankful that we have such great examples of what NOT to do. Production wanted me to act like I’m surprised that this girl is so well informed, but instead I act annoyed. I’m annoyed that my time learning the articles of law are being interrupted by a noisy girl with a grudge. I’m annoyed that I’m supposed to believe that this person is a covert spy, when she obviously can’t keep her mouth shut and blend in, and I’m annoyed that I’m expected to laugh at jokes that arn’t funny.

  Her terrible job as a covert agent causes me to do a terrible job as a covert agent, and I’m soon spotted “Sleeping” in class by production, and asked to return to base to sign out. mission accomplished.

• Delta Farce Blues II: Memphis Beat

  • Jun 16, 2010

  So  Jason Lee’s new TV show “Delta Blues” gets picked up and renamed “Memphis Beat” and after a few weeks of trying to get on as a Cop, I get this call from the casting Director and she says “we need a stand-in for Jason Lee, would you mind doing it?” 

  and i say “well, what I really wanted to do was get in the picture as a police officer.”

   And she replies, “well what  we need is a stand-in immediately, if you do it, you’ll be seen, and it could open doors for you to play a cop later.” 

   And so I agree, because they needed the help, and I need something to do.

   Well I get there for an evening shoot on a friday, Its at a hospital in New Orleans, and I meet the crew and all that, and I get to chillin’ with my fellow 2nd teamer, Lou, Standing in for White-guy, Jason Lee’s partner in the show, and Lou tells me that there’s been a revolving door of “Dwight”(Jason Lee’s Character) stand-ins coming in and out, and I ask why, and all I get are these vague answers, and I get confused, and I put it out of my mind because I’m here now, and I’m going to do my best, and I go on with the show.

    and I’m standing there, and we’re in kinda tight quarters being in a hospital (tight quarters for the Army that is a production team), and I swear, I see three different dudes, run into a door while trying to get around me, and then the fourth guy hits the door and spills coffee all over the place! and I’m like “damn take your time, bitches!”

   So after watching these nincompoops for a while, Jason Lee shows up on the scene to take his spot, and he gives me the same, “who the hell is this jackass” look he gave me in the first one, and I introduce myself and move out of the way so he can do his thing, and the process repeats until we move into another room of the hospital, and there’s flowers and balloons, and the typical get well soon shit all over the place, and while standing in, I again see the spirit of haste get the better of the crew and watch as they break no less than 3 glass vases on 3 separate occasions and get glass all over the floor, and I say out loud “damn, That’s the fourth accident I see here today!”. And I know we left that room and there was still glass on the floor, and the boy scout in me was sad because I didn’t do anything about it. -2 Initiative.

   as the night goes on I see a few local actors I know doing their thing, and working on the show, and I get proud to be from the area.

  
  

  day 2

  So after the weekend I return for another day, this time we’re at a boxing gym, and I’m getting all gay because there’s punching bags everywhere and dudes beating each other, and I’m dying to punch someone in the face and roll around on the ground, and inflict pain on these assholes, but the production process came first. and at one point a Crew member is made to stand-in for an actor, and as usual, I want to play on set and this guy tells me that I’m not supposed to do that. and I ask why? why not play? we’re on a freakin’movie set? and he says we’re supposed to be still and quiet, and he goes off on this story about meeting the best stand-in ever, and I’m all like, “nigga, there’s a reason why they didn’t call me for this gig first, you dig?” and eventually he gets suckered into playing with me. so when the actor the Crew guy was standing in for takes his spot he remarks on the weather, and how balls hot it is, and how he got sick a few days before, and I feel like these guys from l.a. need to be more mindful of the conditions out here in LA, before someone gets hurt. and of course, at about 11 or 12 o’clock in the afternoon they got Jason Lee and White-guy sprinting down the Alley next to the gym, and I’m dying in the shade, so I can imagine how they feel! and all of a sudden Jason Lee was trying to say his lines, and he starts fucking up, and he just loses it! ALL OVER the PLACE!

  
  

  he was Like “ALRIGHT, WHAT the FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE?!? I CAN’T REMEMBER SHIT!!! ITS FUCKING HOT out here, my head hurts, and I’m HOT, and I just can’t handle this shit! I DON”T WANT to be DOING this RIGHT NOW!!! I’m going to lunch!” and he just storms off the set all diva, then like 10 seconds later, a P.A. rings the bell for lunch.

  
  

  
  

  day 3

  and so the job continues, this time we’re at a church, and Jason Lee has to sing a song, an ol’timey spiritual written by Elvis. But gets this, Jason Lee doesn’t sing, someone else records al the shit for the show, and he just lip synchs it, but that day in Church, he keeps fucking up, and stopping, and calling for a retake, and this whole thing is incredibly painful to watch, because as a musician, I HATE IT, when someone just stops in the middle of a song after a fuck up! you just never do it! EVER! I once went behind a drum set and punched my drummer in the face for doing that! that’s how much it bothers me. so I’m in this church, watching this go on for an hour or so, and I actually feel like I’m in Hell, I’m in Hell having to watch one of my big screen heroes commit what I believe is a sin in front of a whole congregation, with a choir and everything, and I’m ready to shit on the Alter and call them all blasphemers. And I can’t help but wonder why he doesn’t have cue cards or something to help him get through this?

  So I get an idea, I knew Jason was struggling, but he wanted to do well and be awesome, so in between shots, I do my stand-in thing, and when he comes to take his place I say, “You know what Louis Armstrong did when he forgot the words?”

    and he says “no, What?”

    and I say, “he just scat. just scat man.”

    and he gives me one of those asshole trying to be cool laughs and retorts with “heh, a scatter, ey.”

  but after a few seconds, I can tell what I had to say was sinking in, and he tells the director, “don’t stop this time, let’s just play it through to the end.”

  and they did, and he sold it like the Pro he is.

  and So after that, feeling the relief from my ninja effort, I was passing by video village, and asked if I could sit and watch the show with the director and producer, and the director said sure, and I took a seat on the couch next to them. and after a few minutes, and a few dirty looks from the crew, a cool guy said, “hey, Dorian get over here!”

    and I’m like “Why?”

    “that’s the producer and the director area, you can’t be there!”

    “but I asked and they said it was ok.”

    “Yeah of course they said it was ok, but later they might say, who is this guy, we’ve got to get him outta here! and then you won’t be able to come back!”

     and I say in a silly voice, “Oh, no, I might not come back tomorrow!” and then I got serious,” If they really didn’t want me there, they should of just said so, authority figures they have the right to be dicks, and should be whenever possible, but if they’re gonna be weak with their words, I’m not going to care, and I’ll take advantage.” 

  Later when the casting agent called to confirm my availability for the next day, I told her I didn’t plan on returning because I didn’t have the right attitude to be there. 

    It’s just the karma of being Jason Lee’s stand-in I guess, maybe the next guy will fit in better.

• Hungry Rabbit jumps, Chubby Bunny Sleeps

  Jan 10, 2010

  So I got this gig for a day on this Nicolas Cage movie called “The Hungry Rabbit Jumps”. It was a cold morning, and I showed up at 5:30 AM traveling under the cover of darkness. I went through the usual routine of checking in and eating breakfast until they moved us onto set, a bar on Algiers Point. We were supposed to play like we were at this funeral wake for this guy we worked with. There was a large picture of the “Deceased” sitting at a computer and flipping us the middle finger, and a sort of memorial on a stage next to a microphone. Then an Actor got up on stage, he gave a eulogy, and we toasted the departed as some guy with a guitar started playing a traditional Irish Death jig. In all the fun I was inspired to return the solute our pal gave us in his picture and I flipped him off and wished him a pleasant time in Hell, causing the guys around me to laugh.
  
  
  I listened well to the people in charge as they planned Nicolas Cage’s entrance in the next shot, and I strategically placed myself in the best spot possible.
  Then Nic cage showed up, and on Action he slipped through right next to me and made his way to the Stage where he exchanged a few lines of dialogue with the Speaker, and was then chased out the bar by these two fagoty looking goons. I was blocking these nerds all day long, getting my big head and face in the shot as much as possible without being to much of an asshole. After 12 hours Nic Cage bailed, but the Crew and Background continued shooting. The guys in charge must have sensed that I was a ham(either that, or a badass((or maybe just an idoit)) and they gave me a few simple directions and took the opportunity to put my blocking to use and make it look intentional.
  It was a long day, but at the end I was proud of my contribution, and I felt like a leader. 
  
  
  Cause I’m a Motha’ F@#kin’ Ninja, baby.

  2:32 PM

• Dec 10, 2009

  Delta Farce blues

  So I got this gig one evening working as an extra on a TV pilot they’re calling “Delta Blues” starring Jason Lee(from my Name is Earl) as a cop from Nashville or some shit. When I heard about it I sent an email to the casting company and wrote  that I wanted to play “a cop, Because I looked great in a uniform!”, but when they called me they said they wanted me to play an Orderly. 

  Cool, so I show up to get my costume that day, and the beautiful casting girls were like, “sorry, you won’t fit the orderly costume, so we’re making you the Security Guard instead.”

  And I said, ” Awesome, it’s closer to what I wanted to play anyway.”

  so as I was leaving the wardrobe trailer, feeling pretty good about getting to wear the cooler costume complete with prop radio, handcuffs, fake mace, and a badass chrome baton, I ran into Jason Lee who gave me one of those, “Oh God its this asshole” looks in passing (I guessed he hadn’t checked his Thetan Levels that day), and  I just kept walking down to holding where I  found a comfortable spot to lounge.

  So I’m chillin’ with some old people until they take me to set, and when we get there they were like, “just sit in that chair at the end of the hall and look like you’re sleeping,” and I  think, “cool I’ve been doing that all night.” and after a minute or two Jason Lee and Dylan Kussman(Dr.Painter from Way of the Gun) show up and start practicing the scene, and after every take Jason Lee’s lobbying to shoot the scene further down the hall until eventually they’ve moved somewhere where I’m not even in the shot any more, and I’m thinking to myself, “Damn, I must be ruining his vision” because the guy they originally wanted to play the guard was old, bald, short and weak looking, and I’m a bad ass with cool hair.

   and so I’m in my guard costume, sitting there in a corner for a while as they move the whole show farther away from me and this Production assistent walks up to me, not knowing what’s going on and he asks me,”So you have to be here all night?”

  and I reply,”‘ll be here as long as you guys are.”

  “Why?”

  “to keep an eye on things”

  “Like the building or something?”

   I made a circle with my index finger and said, “all of it man, I’m guarding all of this.”

  “cool man.”

  so I totally fooled that dude, and he laughed when he found out:)

  but any way, I didn’t let being faded out make me feel bad because They took a solid 3 second shot of me just sitting there, and I got to watch those guys acting their asses off–for a little while at least(and that was the coolest thing).

ninja star

http://badninja9.com